This fanfiction’s drinking game...
You won’t need alcohol to get through this story -- it’s so forgettable, it will slide past your brain like butter on Teflon. But we know you expect a drinking game, so:
Take a sip every time the characters hear disembodied voices.
Take a shot every time the main character fails to understand proper medical treatment.
Take two shots every time knowledge of the FFVII game makes this fanfic less comprehensible.
If you’re the designated driver: Take a drink every time you recognize a major plot element as being related to the game.
If you seek that sleep of death: Take a shot every time you forget what just happened and you don’t give a fuck.
Rufus: (appearing on the screen before them in his best supervillain style)
Tseng: What do you have for us today, sir?
Rufus: Well, I tried to upload "Cloud Mows The Lawn," but the Torturezoid robots froze up in horror.
Rufus: So while I'm waiting for the IT guys, I don't have much...(rummages through files, tosses one out randomly) Here, this should occupy you for awhile.
Reno: Is there porn in this one?
Rufus: Not even a nipple.
Cid: Cool villain, maybe?
Rufus: Hahaha! No.
Vincent: Fencing, fighting, true love, miracles?
Red XIII: A fight scene that doesn't take place offscreen?
Rufus: ...You know, I can't remember.
Tifa: Are any of the main characters in it?
Cloud: Did you in fact see this fic?
Rufus: Yes, I saw the...thing. Whatever it was.
Hey! This is my first Advent fic so I hope you enjoy it.
Vincent: First Advent..... isn’t that a little redundant?
Red XIII: It’s the first ...arrival of the beginning, of the thing we’ve been waiting for.
Disclamer: Don't own anyone or thing but "the girl" Square Enix does. I just like torturing the brothers.
Tseng: So what’s your excuse for torturing the rest of us?
Yazoo hated being in these situations. Surrounded by a gang that was planning on rapping him.
Aerith: Oh no, they’re going to rap him!
Cloud: It’s Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, run!
How was it that they always thought he was gay?
Cid: Gee... did the tight leather jump suit and the silver barbie hair give it away?
Vincent: This also assumes that his “rappists” even care about his sexual orientation.
Tifa: To all the ladies out there, if you ever find yourself cornered in a dark alley with your potential rapist slowly approaching you; just tell him you’re a lesbian and he’ll leave you alone!
Aeris: No no stop! I like girls!
Sephiroth: Oh, I’m terribly sorry for the inconvenience, ma’am. I’ll find someone else. Have a lovely evening.
He pulled Velvet Nightmare and started shooting and dodging the 15.
Tifa: What is Velvet Nightmare? Sounds like a gay goth band.
Cid: Ain’t a “gay goth” band a bit redundant?
Yuffie: And what does “dodging the 15” mean? Any relation to “23 skidoo”?
After a few minutes he shot the last one in the forehead. At least he thought it was the last one. A hidden one was sneaking up behind him with an iron pipe. As he raised it to strike the youth, a 6 inch dagger went through his neck. Sputtering blood he collapsed.
Sephiroth: And my little brother dies a gruesome death, the end.
Yazoo whirled around aiming the gun at…a girl?
Sephiroth: ….wait, what?
Vincent: Yazoo is surprisingly lively for someone who just got knifed in the throat.
Where did she come from? He thought glancing between her and the body.
Not saying a word she made her way to him. She saved my life.
Reeve: (hums) Someone saved, someone saved, someone saved my life tonight...
Cid: No, I just think she saved him from walkin’ funny for a couple days.
He lowered his gunblade, noticing how sleek she was. Her black leather outfit accentuated her body. The pants were tight, and her vest top was very sexy.
Tifa: It looked simply fabulous. Yazoo so wanted to borrow it next time he went clubbing.
Her bangs fell to her shoulders, covering her eyes, while the back was short.
Upon reaching him she bent down and pulled her dagger from the corpse. Silently she looked directly into Yazoo's eyes and sauntered off, leaving him frozen.
Why where her blue eyes like his?
Who is she?
Where did she come from?
Why did she help me?
Sephiroth: And why do I feel so comfortable in leather??
Cid: (chanting) Oh fuck, not a clone sister not a clone sister not a clone sister...she’d be hot as fuck but I can’t take another fucking long-lost-sister story...
So? What do u think? Please R&R- (evil look with fiery background) OR I SHALL HUNT YOU DOWN AND MAKE U SUFFER! MWHAHAHAHAHA!
Cloud: Haven’t you made us suffer enough?
Sephiroth: She doesn’t know the true meaning of suffering...or of evil, flame-wreathed stares.
Sephiroth: Don’t fuck with the original.
Still not owning Advent Children
Reeve: Still not thinking that you did.
RedXIII: I lost track, which chapter is this?
It was a month after the incident and Yazoo still could not get the girl off his mind. He was in town trying to dig up as much information about Cloud with out raising suspicions.
Cloud: Raising suspicion? Hell, you can break into people’s houses and steal their valuables and they really don’t seem to care.
Kadaj had kept him busy with fixing up the abandoned farm Loz had found. Yes, with all 3 working on it it did take a month to repair it.
Sephiroth: A farm? A farm?? We’ve gone from global domination to Green Acres?
Vincent: A perfectly good Forgotten City up north, and you hatch your nefarious schemes at the little house on the prairie.
Tifa: Maybe they got just as distracted as we did and raised Chocobos instead of doing what they were supposed to be doing.
Sephiroth: Yes, about that...do you have any idea how long I waited for you down in that Crater, while you were raising easter-coloured ostriches in the hinterlands? Nothing to do but watch Mother mutate some more and listen to the Tonberries howling? It was mating season... (shudders)
RedXIII: Well I warned them we only had seven days to confront you.
Sephiroth: And animal husbandry and compulsive gambling seemed like the appropriate course of action?
Cloud: ….Do not question the leader!
Today they were in the rougher parts of Edge.
Tifa: Is there an upscale side of the post-apocalyptic shantytown?
Maybe he could "buy" the info off of someone.
Reno: And by “buy,” he means “prostitute.”
Seeing a lone figure in front of him he pulled his gun and calmly stalked the person. With only half a block on a lonely road Yazoo thought this would be easy.
Gunshots and shouts proved him wrong. Two men were flung from the alley. Quickly picking themselves up they rushed back in only to meet their deaths by ninja stars.
Sephiroth: Buying our henchmen from the discount bin, I see.
Tseng: Only the lowest quality henchmen come with firearms and die to such primitive weaponry.
Yazoo's target fled the scene, but he decided to watch the show. Suddenly everything went quiet. Stepping into what looked like a bloodbath he stared at the different copses.
RedXIII: Copse: A grove of trees; a thicket.
Vincent: Now which one of these bloodstained copses did I leave Bambi’s mother in...
Some of their wounds were normal- slashed throat, stabbed, and broken necks.
Aerith: Yeah, just the normal kind of brutal mortal wounds you see on a day to day basis.
Others looked like they were bitten. Strange. He raised an eyebrow.
Sephiroth: (raised eyebrow) Pfft...vampires? Very creative.
She drew her dagger across the man's throat and stood up. She could barely walk the few feet she did before she collapsed.
"Her" He would never forget that outfit.
Tifa: Told you.
Rushing to her side he pulled her into his arms.
Yuffie: And stole her clothes.
She opened her eyes a moment trying not to scream from the pain in her side.
She was cut up from her fight, but those she was used to. It was her side that was the cause of her fainting in the silver haired man's arms.
She was covered in blood. A quick check assured him that she had no internal injuries. So, why is her mouth bloody? But, she had been shot in the side.
Vincent: That doesn’t count as an internal injury?
Tseng: Probably a punctured lung...so, in fanfiction tradition, that should be cured by a band-aid and a bowl of soup.
Reno: Quick! Stuff a tampon in the bullet hole, yo!
It wasn't too deep but he knew it must have hurt like hell.
He picked her up and started for the truck. Half way there though she startled and freed her self from his grip falling on her face in a puddle.
Remembering that she had just been in a fight she used what little water there was to clean her face.
Cloud: Wait....why? Why would you care about your appearance right after a near death battle?
Tifa: Maybe she can fall on a makeup kit next, so she won’t have to die with runny eyeliner.
Getting up she once again tried to walk on her own. This time he was there to catch her as she once again fainted.
Reno: (dramatically places the back of his hand on his forehead) *siiiigh* (tries to faint into Tseng’s arms and crashes onto the floor)
Tseng: (reading the Sephiroth fanzine) Hmmm.... according to this quiz, I’m an “OMG LUV 4 LIFE Sephygirl.” And I was just guessing about the conditioner.
Reeve: Yeah, like you’ve never been in his shower.
When they finally reached the truck he dug out the first aid kit and bandaged her up. Making sure she was comfortable he started the engine and left.
Cloud: What happened to all that curative materia? We used to find it just lying on the ground. Did it all vanish when Meteor fell? Are we the only people who ever knew how to use it?
Trying, but still not owning AC
Cid: Er....thanks for the reminder, I guess.
Aerith: Did you know this is Chapter 3? It’s Chapter 3!
Reeve: This update brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.
"What the hell is that!" Kadaj yelled as Yazoo carried an unconscious figure into the living room.
Sephiroth: It’s a human sacrifice for Mother, isn’t that obvious?
When his brother didn't reply Kadaj looked her over.
As he was laying her on the couch curiosity took over, "This is not like you Yazoo...
Sephiroth: You’ve never shown interest in a girl before.
...Why didn't you leave her?"
Never taking his eyes off her Yazoo mumbled something.
"What was that?"
"She saved my life." With that he went into the kitchen to get water, rags and the med kit.
Cloud: How about, I don’t know, a cure spell? You only stole my entire materia chest, I’m sure you can find one.
Sephiroth: The day one of my clones needs Xena the Vampire Ninja Princess to save him from some henchmen, I’m standing directly beneath Meteor when it hits.
Kadaj eyed her as he would an annoying insect. She would just prove a distraction from finding Mother.
Tifa: Pesky Sues! The swarm is particularly bad this year.
"Did you glean any info today?"
"Nothing I hadn't heard before," Yazoo lied, removing the bandage.
Aerith: Actually, nothing at all, since you were in town for three minutes before you walked into the Great Ninja Alleyway Massacre and kidnapped your Rule 63 clone.
"Then I have great news!"
Both turned to see Loz at the front door.
"Big Brother lives at a bar with orphans, but is never there…..Who the hell is that?"
Reno: Great news! Our big brother abandons little kids! Fuckin’ awesome!
"Never mind her" Kadaj said giving the middle brother a disapproving look that was ignored. "Where does he stay?"
"At some church that's in ruins. But he also runs a delivery business."
"Then open ground will be our best option."
Vincent: Then...wait, what? How did you come to that conclusion? Are you Highlanders? Can you not fight on holy ground?
Aerith: No...no their kind have no hang ups with fighting on Holy ground.
Sephiroth: What do you mean we have no....oh right... (awkward silence)
Slowly she opened her eyes to pitch dark. What happened? The fight…silver hair? Hearing soft breathing she closed her eyes Why me? Stay calm! How many? One is practically by me, another just snored past my feet must be by that wall and the last is on my right. Opening her eyes a gain she let them adjust to what little light the stars gave.
Tseng: So far her supernatural skills consist of...offscreen ninjutsu, semiconscious makeup tips, and snore-sonar. ...Riveting.
Tifa: Surely she will save us all.
Cloud: But not from herself.
Just barely making out where the bodies were she located the door and windows. She tried to sit up but a sharp pain in her side hit like a searing fire. Holding her breath she forced herself up. Making sure she didn't disturb anyone she made her way to the door. Augh…..stairs! Carefully she made her way down and into the kitchen.
Yazoo watched as she left the room. Kadaj did not want her out of site so Yazoo followed her in the kitchen.
Reno: Advent Children: The Kitchening!
She was getting a glass from the cupboard. As she closed the glass door his reflection came to view. Neither said anything as she filled her cup with water.
She turned around, "Sharon.'
RedXIII: When did they introduce themselves?
Nodding she opened the cupboard that held the booze. Pulling out some vodka she turned to him and gave it a little shake as though asking if he wanted some.
No he shook his head.
She poured herself a shot and then diluted some in a bowl before starting to remove the bandages.
Cloud: Potions. Cure spells. Even hydrogen peroxide. Did we somehow keep our motorcycles and lose all our medtech in the apocalypse?
"Let me help you."
When the bandages were off she took the rag she had soaked and pressed it against the wound. Pain shot to the site causing her to grit her teeth.
What are you doing? "You shouldn't do that. Use this." He pushed the med kit to her.
Cid: Oh yeah, you’re not Davy Crockett, you can use real fucking medicine.
Shaking her head no she waited a few more moments before removing the rag. He watched as she rewrapped herself wishing Kadaj had just let him use healing materia. But, his brothers did not trust her and were going to make her stay as miserable as possible.
Sephiroth: So... why not just kill her?
Reno: Then you could save your booze for something more useful, like getting shitfaced.
Cloud: And we could have our plot back.
Tifa: Advent Children had a plot?
Cloud: Fine, we could have our 90-minute fight scene back.
Sharon shook her head as she once again looked at him. His similarity to the infamous Sephiroth was too much.
Vincent: That almost sounds like a plot hook. Could it be...?
Aeris: Is something finally going to happen?
Reno: I’d like to buy a clue, Vanna.
"You must be starving." He said going to the refrigerator holding it open for her to see what they had.
Reeve: That’s it? End of chapter?
Cid: Yeah, that’s enough of that action-packed chapter. Fuck, I’m tired just reading about her...waking up and getting a snack.
Tifa: And don’t forget that single word she spoke. What a rush.
Don't own FF7 AC so don't sue.
"voices in head"
Aeris: I mean seriously, just in case you didn’t think this was the 4th Chapter.
Nothing happened as the day progressed. Sharon was showing Yazoo how to mend their clothes as Kadaj paced and Loz worked on the bikes.
Reeve: I’m so glad she took the time to describe how nothing was happening.
Sephiroth: I’m so glad the remnants of myself are growing up to be so ambitious and powerful.
Cloud: I’m so glad I brought my GameBoy.
Tifa: Why do they need to mend their clothes? They can just manifest black leather right out of their own skin.
Later that night the brothers were sound asleep in their room as she used the couch.
"SHARON WAKE UP!"
Reno: (as Ozzy) SHAAAAROOOON! I flush’d me pills don’ th’ commode agn’!
She bolted up looking around for the voice that was so familiar but no one was about.
"Shay, you must leave now."
"What? Why?" she asked the air confused.
Tseng: My deus-ex-machina senses are tingling. Why do I suspect we're never going to find out what this voice is?
Cloud: Did I even find out whether the voice in my head was Sephiroth or Zack?
Aerith: At least you had limited options to choose from -- I had a whole lost civilisation clamoring in my mind.
Vincent: I can appreciate your situation, I only have four.
Reno: Damn, yo -- how many of you are schizo, anyway? No wonder it felt like we were fighting a whole goddamned army.
"Get out! Your life is in danger!"
She nodded and made her way to the surrounding forest.
Tifa: Sure, voice in my head, I’ll obey you unquestioningly!
Sephiroth: Hmm, maybe she is one of ours after all.
Kadaj was tossing and turning when Jenova spoke.
"Kadaj, listen to me."
"The girl is an assassin sent by Cloud. You must kill her. Now!"
Cloud: Wait... I didn’t....er....I mean, yes I did! When I abandoned Seventh Heaven I was only hiring an assassin for those potential kidnappers.
Aerith: ….For once I agree with Jenova.
Vincent: There certainly are a lot of disembodied voices this evening.
Sephiroth: It’s an excellent way to get out of having to write real plot transitions.
His eyes flew open assassin! He woke his brothers and gave them Mother's instructions.
This didn't set well with Yazoo. If she was to assassinate them why not let him die last month? But he had to obey Mother.
Downstairs they searched every room.
"She must have heard us." Kadaj glared at Yazoo then the back door. "Search the woods."
"Sensei… what is going on? Sensei?..." She whispered to the air hoping the voice would return and explain things.
RedXIII: Wait, who....what? That’s not a sensei, that’s just a delusion.
After running 2 miles she had slowed down and was now searching for a good place to hide. There was hardly any ground cover. There has to be a better place than this. She thought eyeing a log just big enough for her to squeeze into.
A cell phone went off. Shit! She climbed into the log and pulled up a branch as a screen.
Reno: ….Kinky, yo?
As the footsteps neared she closed her eyes. The footsteps stopped and Loz looked around before moving on. Deciding to stay there she fell into an uneasy sleep.
"How could we not find a girl…an injured one!" Kadaj shouted. His brothers just stood there.
"Pack up! We're moving to the base."
A/N: Sorry it's taken so long to update. Writer's block, more scenarios, work and family. Hope u like this twist.
Cloud: (monotone) Oh golly gee willikers....a twist.
Reeve: I cannot wait to be dazzled and amazed by this incredible twist.
Did I misspell "Sensei"?.
RedXIII: No, you just completely misused it. A mysterious voice in your head is not automatically your mentor.
Thanx to all who have reviewed so far.
Disclamer: Don't own FF7 AC….so don't sue.
Reeve: Please don’t Sue, there is enough Sue-ing in this story already.
Cid: This just in -- Chapter 5.
The next morning Sharon cautiously made her way back to the farm hoping to be able to follow the road back to town.
The brothers had finished packing the trucks and were getting ready to leave. So she hid till they took off.
Back in Edge she found the abandoned building she left her stuff. After cleaning up she decided she needed a stiff drink.
RedXIII: The twist is that she’s an alcoholic.
Knowing she could get all the free drinks she wanted she went to the Black Rose. Her boss was happy to see her and talked her into working for a couple hours. That meant cash as she was tipped well for her special.
Vincent: Perhaps the twist is that she’s a barmaid?
None of her coworkers mentioned a word about the slight scar on her side, which was something they were used to.
Aerith: Did they mention the fact that she’s apparently not wearing a shirt, if they can see that scar?
That night a certain red-head came into the bar taking a stool near her dink section.
"5 beers for table 3, Shay." One of the waitresses said.
"Here you go May. Let me know when your ready to order, Reno."
Reeve: Advent Children: The Dinner Menu!
"Sure." He had been staring at the strippers. After a moment he turned around and stared.
She looked like any other 17 year old warrior, what with that dagger at her hip.
Aerith: A perfectly normal armed teenager working in a bar. They’re a dime a dozen, really.
Tifa: And what’s wrong with that? (shifty eyes)
Vincent: ...I did lend Marlene Quicksilver in case she ran into any problems.
Barret: (angry glare)
Vincent: ...what? She holds the high score at Duck Hunt.
Reno: The kid makes a mean Tequila Sunrise.
Her eyes literally glowed in the black lights that also illuminated her piercings.
What verified her identity to the turk was a set of fangs that slid out as she prepared her special.
Tifa: Oh, the twist is that the author reads Twilight!
And that's when it struck her.
Cid: She likes girls
Sephiroth: Well, that would explain her attraction to Yazoo.
"Shayron! Wow, it's been a long time."
Yuffie: Yeah, I became a vampire ninja and added a “Y” to my name, it was more vampirey. You?
"Seven years. You want to get out of here?"
She waved it off. "Just let me finish here. I'll meet you at the door."
Cid: ….wait...what just happened?
Vincent: I...I don’t remember!
(err...The End, apparently.)
Cloud: But...what happened? Did he finish his drink? Did she meet him at the door? Will we ever know??
Tifa: (amnesia) Will we ever know what?
Cloud: (blank) ...I dunno. Were we watching something?
Aeris: Wait, what were we talking about?
Reeve: It’s all fading away like a dream...a really bland dream, that you don’t mind forgetting.
Authors’ Notes: Actually, this story really is this forgettable. We almost finished this MST a year and a half ago, and we completely forgot about it. It fermented in google docs for awhile until we rediscovered it by dumb luck one day. No joke, we clicked on it because we had no memory of riffing it.