Really though, Rufus shoots them into space and forces them to watch fanfiction.
Episodes may be reviews of full stories that deserved mocking, or specific segments of genuinely good stories that simply appealed to our abilities to corrupt things needlessly. We’ll also have a drinking game to accompany each new story, so stock up before reading.
So, without further ado:
Final Fantasy VII: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Theme Song (yeah, yeah, we just ripped the music off the show):
In a world made of polygons
Full of calamity and woe
There was a group called AVALANCHE
And their evil bishounen foe
They lived at Seventh Heaven bar
Just another dive in the slums of Midgar
They were blowing up reactors all over the place
But Rufus didn’t like them so he shot them into space
“I’ll send them cheesy fanfics
The worst I can find (tra-la-la)
They’ll have to sit and read them all
And I’ll monitor their minds” (tra-la-la) [wait…no I won’t]
They’ll mock the lousy spelling
Cheap angst and cheaper sex
And out-of-character behavior
Sure to disgust and perplex
AVALANCHE Roll Call (oh God, here we go)
Cloud! (My past is a lie!)
Tifa! (Don’t touch those!)
Aerith! (I should be dead!)
Vincent! (Where can I buy a phone?)
Cid! (Where are my &#%@ing cigarettes?!)
Barrett! (I pity the fool who writes these fanfics!)
Red XIII! (Isn’t this considered animal cruelty?)
Sephiroth! (Mother will destroy you all.)
Cait Siiiiiith! ( I –
All: Shut up, Cait Sith.
If you’re wondering how they eat and breathe
And other science facts
You clearly have too much time on your hands
So just shut up and relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!
The madness begins with the next chapter!
Against Our Will