WARNING: What you are about to see may exhaust, alarm, exasperate, and offend you. The reviewers are not responsible for extreme intoxication or neck strain resulting from gawking at this train wreck. Viewer discretion is probably too late anyway.
This episode’s drinking game:
Take a sip for every noticeably repeated typo.
Take a sip for every instance of costume porn.
Take a shot for every transformation sequence.
Do a spit-take when you find out that yes, that is the Mary Sue’s name. Then take a shot for every repeated use of it.
Take a shot of Aftershock every time the word “mints” appears (or just toss a couple of Altoids in some vodka).
Finish your drink for every moment of fanrage, blatant plagiarism, or crippling violation of canon. Then open another drink and finish that too.
If you’re the designated driver, drink every time the author has an original idea.
If you need to say goodbye to all this, and hello to oblivion, take a shot every time someone smiles.
Cid: Okay, Sephiroth is on a rampage and we’re not even in this story.
Vincent: We weren’t in the last one, either.
Cid: Wanna hightail it to the nearest bomb shelter with booze?
Vincent: Right behind you, Chief.
Vincent: (transforms into Chaos and tears a door off, bowing to allow Cid out)
Yuffie and Barret: (watching them leave) Fuck this! (bolt out behind them before the force field closes)
Sephiroth: (bamfs in) All right, I think I’ve calmed down now -- Vincent, I...damn, where did he go?
Reno: (guffaws) He walked out on you again, man.
Rufus: Hmm. Looks like you lost a few. No worries, I can replace them.
**Genesis, Angeal, Zack, and Cissnei spontaneously appear to either side of Sephiroth**
Sephiroth: Well, it's about time you showed up. I can deplore this latest abhorrence with Soldiers from my own era.
Tifa: You mean bitch about it.
Zack: Oh no, not this shit again! I don’t rape anyone this time, do I?
Cissnei: ...Guys? I’m back? Why am I back? ...Why are you looking at me like I’m not going to like this?
Angeal: What the hell is going on here?
Cloud: It’s the latest in high-tech torture -- the internet fanfiction. We’ll be forced to watch stilted versions of ourselves defaming our own names and reputations until we defeat the enemy by ripping it to shreds with sarcasm.
Genesis: Sarcasm, eh? ...I can do this.
Our story begins...
A Angle Is With Us, by NoobNinja
( Sorry for my bad Grammar)
Tseng: No, you aren’t...but you will be.
Chapter 1 ( Italic- thinking)
( Bold- Flashback)
Cissnei: Stab Rockthrust!
Cloud: Rock Speedbolt!
Tseng: Brash Groinpunch!
Reno: Steel Makoballs!
( Italic and Underline- Guardian or Angel)
In Shinra. ( Italic , Underline and Bold- in the head)
Zack: She’s pretty bold in the head, alright.
Zack fair walk along the hall way to visit Cloud who was with Angeal Hewley, Genesis Rhapsodos and Sephiroth in the huge training room. Cloud became a SOLDIER.
Cloud: (sigh) I’ll be the first to admit this but...when did this ever happen?
" Oh sorry Sirs!" said a female voice. The men turn to see a female with bright Mako blue eyes, soft brown hair which go down to her shoulders, she wear the 2nd class SOLDIERs...
Angeal: Take those Soldiers off, they’re supposed to be on duty.
...beside her was a silver, shoulder length hair which some go over her face...
Aerith: My god, it’s disembodied hair!
...she have light blue eyes and she wear the SOLDIER uniform. The stand with their swords on their back. The female with long silver hair have a long, white/ silver sword which was like Sephiroth's sword, the other Female have a red sword.
Genesis: Well. That’s...original.
Sephiroth: I never wanted to see myself in Rule 63.
Zack: Yeah, like there’d be a need for it.
Sephiroth: Don’t make me stab you like I did your girlfriend.
Aeris: Hey, don’t involve me in your little catfight.
" I thought no one was using the training room" said the Silver hair female.
" Hay Sam! Taylor!" Zack shout to the Female SOLDIERs. The two smile then walk over to the others.
Cissnei: Taylor? As in, Hanson?
Tifa: Well, he looks like enough of a bishounen to fit into this universe.
Few hours later- in the resting room.
Genesis was reading "Loveless".
Sephiroth: Well. That’s...original.
Genesis: Well. That’s...mature.
" what a drink?" Ask a familiar voice which cause him to have a ghost blush over his pale face.
" Yes thanks Taylor" Genesis said with a smile. Taylor was the shout brown hair Female SOLDIER.
Cloud: I hate when ghosts blush over me.
Zack: I hate when a girl’s hair shouts at me.
Genesis: I what a drink very, very badly.
Reno: (tosses the flask of whiskey) Here ya’ go, pretty boy.
Taylor walk over to the Bar Lunch room.
" Hello Mr Rhapsodos , Miss True-Heart" Said a old Familiar Voice. Genesis turn then turn back to his book with a angry face, because the old Voice belong to the old, Super MAD, bad breath, creep beyond believe Hojo. All the SOLDIERs hate him.
Sephiroth: ...Breath? Bad breath?! How about bad intentions, bad ethics, bad logic, horrifyingly bad mutilations of unwilling, underage draftees? For fuck's sake, he's not the vaguely creepy, socially awkward kid at the back of the lunchroom, he's a demented psychotic with a rusty scalpel and delusions of galactic power!
Zack: Having daddy issues ar--
Cloud: *whispers* No you fool! Don’t bring up the paternity test again, Vincent just barely went into hiding.
Zack: Oh yeah... I should probably pay more attention to that sort of thing.
" Hojo…." Genesis said a very cold Voice. Taylor stay at the Bar part with her back facing Hojo and Genesis.
" Go away Mad Hojo" thought Taylor
Cissnei: Sing “Mmm-Bop”, that should drive him off.
Genesis sit with his head right down to the book so he can't smell Hojo's bad breath.
Cloud: (as Hojo) Hello! I just came by to remind you that I was creepy...well, goodbye.
" Genesis, Taylor, please come to President Shinra what to see you now" said a black hair man, black hair up to his chin, light green eyes which fill with light...
Angeal: Yes, his black hair was black and his light eyes were light. We understand.
Reno: Wait -- hair up to his chin? What the fuck, did it come up around him like a sock?
Cloud: Hair-sock-man summons you to see the President.
...he wear the 1st class SOLDIERs uniform, on the SOLDIER uniform was a brown goggles around his forehead. The man was Stevelee Eilight.
Zack: And the winner of the silliest name contest is...
Tifa: Anything like “Elite”?
Tseng: No, not like that at all.
" Ok" Genesis rush over to Stevelee with Taylor to the President Shinra's office.
When they make it into the office, Angeal Hewley, Zack Fair, Cloud Strife, Samantha ( Sam) Hard-light.
Tifa: Hard-light... sounds like a beer with an identity crisis.
Cloud: Sam Hardlight!
Reno: Roll Fizzlebeef!
Cid: Punch Thornbody!
Sephiroth: Big McLargeHuge.
Tifa: Guys, don’t give this name that much validation, this fic doesn’t deserve Space Mutiny references.
" Ah, Sir Rhapsodos , Miss True-heart hello." the President greeted kindly.
Sephiroth: If by kindly you mean "like a greedy manipulative bastard."
Genesis: When did I get a knighthood?
" Hello President, Sir" said Taylor and Genesis. They stand beside their friends.
" There is a site of Dark SOLDIERs outside midgar and I like you all to go with a helper…please step forward"
Cloud: Oh goddamnit, an escort mission...
Sephiroth: A site of what?
Genesis: Cheap plot-devices.
A girl around the same age as Angeal walk into the room, she have very short red hair... .
Cissnei: Oh, shit, it’s Black Widow! You guys are going to kick some serious ass on this mission!
...which go just pass her shoulders, shinny green eyes, she was pale, she wear the 2nd class SOLDIERs uniform. A thin, plan SOLDIER sword was on her back.
Tseng: Any one of you could massacre a whole battalion by yourself, but please take this vapid stranger with you to use as a meat shield.
" Hello Miss!" Zack said. The girl look at him then a smile came.
" Hello" She said a odd voice which sound like a Angel.
" What's your name, my name is Zack Fair" Said Zack.
" My name is Anal Heartwing" the girl said with a smile.
Zack: *Pfffffffttttt*.... HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Genesis: (snrk) Well. That’s...a little too original.
Tifa: That has to be a typo. Has to be.
" Dr Hollander is coming" President Shinra add after a few mints.
Everyone nod and went to get onto the truck.
Few mints later- outside
Genesis: These mints certainly are refreshing.
Tseng: Much better than using this time for real plot development.
The group walk over to the cliff, Hollander stay behind the group.
Aerith: And pushed them off the cliff to their deaths, the end.
" Well" said a voice. Anal turn to see a man standing near some rocks, she stand as the others came over.
" Ange…I still see you using Young Heartlight's body" Said the black hair man who oddly look llike Stevelee.
Zack: Boy, it would be great if we knew who Stevelee was, so we could know whether or not to care. Is he a traitor? Is this his evil twin? Does he have a hair sock? Who knows?
Reno: Wait...the story also just mentioned that someone is possessing the useless chick’s body, maybe it’s a crossover fic with The Exorcist...yo?
Genesis: Ye gods, how long is this chapter?
" Leave her out of his" Anal shout.
" No wonder…she is weak and she cant be a SOLDIER!" said the man, he laugh
Sephiroth: The man makes a valid point... whoever he is.
" she will die-" he stop as Anal punch him in the chest which cause him to hit the ground.
Zack: *snrrk* Pahahahaha! He got knocked down by Anal Punch!
" You can't fight me, if you get killed or seriously wounded then young Heartlight will never have a body" the Man shout.
Angeal: Well, that’s interesting. How do you know this, nameless man with no backstory?
Tseng: (singing) I ain’t got no body, no body....
Cloud: (singing) Bring back, bring back, bring back my body to me, to me...
Reno: (screaming) Let the bodies hit the floor!
" She is strong and she will fight if I was wounded" Anal said.
Tifa: Wait...wha-- so this girl is possessed but has Stockholm Syndrome so she’ll fight for whoever is possessing her?
Sephiroth: Don’t try to bring logic into this.
" Let the sleeping awake to this Earth" Anal said with her eyes close, hands reach out in front of her, two peal white wings come out of Anal's back then her body start to glow in a light green.
" Release " Anal whisper...
Reno: Anal whisper release, it was silent but deadly.
...her body spilt and an other female form came, Anal's body stop glowing to show her wearing the SOLDIER uniform but with wings.
" I got you" Anal said as she hold the other Form's shoulders. The glowing stop and a younger girl with light, soft brown hair which go down to her hips, she was way paler then Anal, she wear the same uniform as cloud, her eyes was close softly. The girl fall forward but Anal grab her.
Angeal: She...she just keeps saying Anal.
Genesis: It’s like Freudian slip meets Tourette’s Syndrome.
Sephiroth: This isn’t a slip, it’s a Freudian oil spill.
" Here, I take her" said Angeal offer. Anal nod and Angeal softly take the Girl onto his back, her head rested on his shoulders, arms around his neck. Angeal fell her short, warmth breath against his neck. Angeal run over to Hollander and the other SOLDIERs.
Genesis: You came on this mission just so you could drop off your dead-weight split-personality girlfriend on the battlefield and force one of our best fighters off the field to haul her comatose corpse around?!
Sephiroth: (dryly) Thank goodness the President assigned you to us. However would we have survived with a full task force and adequate mission briefing.
" She Breathing badly" Angeal said to Dr. Hollander. Hollander nod. Angeal went to the truck then lay the girl softly on the cold metal floor of the truck. A soft blanket was there for any one who is sick or hurt. He grab it then fold it to a square then softly lift the girl's head. He put the fold blanket under the girl's head then softly lay her head onto it.
Zack: “How to Fold a Blanket: A step-by-step guide for the struggling idiot.”
The Girl was sleeping peaceful, Angeal look at her then move a piece of hair out of her face.
" ANGEAL!" shout Genesis,
Genesis: Stop petting the corpse and get your ass back on the battlefield!
Angeal jump of the truck then run to the others. Anal was there, Fighting very hard but she was very hurt.
Tseng: Sounds like Cloud after he’s spent the night in Sephiroth’s bunk.
Cloud: Shut up.
Genesis: No no, do go on.
Sephiroth: With the exception that Cloud doesn’t put up a fight.
Cloud: I said Shut up!
" You was luckily to let that girl to have her own body but she will die with out you for much longer" the man said with a evil smile. Anal know she have to return into her true form to save the girl.
Cissnei: A story with excessive use of the word “anal” and no yaoitastic sex. I am extremely disappointed.
" True Form" Shout Anal her body glow again but this time she wear a long, white dress with silver flat shoes with pink bands around her ankles and wrists, her red hair go into a pleat with a long silver band around it all the way down. Her wings still there.
Cissnei: Super costume changing powers, activate!
Tifa: Form of.... Sailor Hackneyed!
" Wow…you are a Angel!" Zack shout. Anal turn to him when smile.
" Yes…my name is Anal but my last name is the Girl's mother's old name before she marry" Anal said.
Tifa: You mean a fucking maiden name? And does she assume we know her mother’s maiden name? Are we trying to guess her bank password? What is the significance of this?
" Came Here!" Shout The Man but Anal the Angel move out of the way.
Zack: (snickering helplessly) Pfffhahahaha...Anal the Angel...
" You are wasting time and the young girl is near gone!" the man shout.
Anal close her eyes...
Reno: They weren’t brown, were they?
...and hear heartbeats which belong to the girl, the bets was weak and slow. She open eyes then turn to the SOLDIERs.
" Go!" Anal shout. The others understand then run to the truck.
Zack: We understand the word ‘go,’ yeah.
Sephiroth: Why are we taking orders from her?
Reno: Besides, there’s too much anal shouting going on, the story is starting to smell.
Tseng: (pistols-whips Reno) Stop that.
Half way back to shinra- on the truck.
Angeal, Sephiroth and Genesis help Dr. Hollander to check the young girl over.
Angeal: What--wait--that was it? That was the fight scene? We drove all this way so she could split like an amoeba, change clothes, and run away?
" the people at Shinra are nice, near Everyone but a mad man called Hojo, stay away from him" Anal said as she final enter the girl's body to save her from dying.
Cloud: Yes, this is completely ignoring the fact that “nice” people at Shinra are the exception and not the rule.
Tseng: We’re just your friendly neighborhood dictators and hired killers.
Zack: What’s a paladin?
Reeve: Well, to be fair, this is bad, but I don’t know if it’s Ultima 9 bad.
" thank you Anal" thought the girl, her voice was sweet and kind like a angel.
Angeal check the girl's tempter which was hot.
" Her Tempter is hot…I think she don't have a fever" Angeal said.
Angeal: Have I mentioned I’m not a medical professional.
Hollander place a hand on the Girl's forehead which fell hot to him.
" she will be ok" said Hollander.
Hollander look up at the sky.
Zack: The sky shows that she’s in good health, despite her fever.
" Don't let Hojo know about this Girl" Hollander said in a cold voice.
" Hollander…it will take two mouths till she turn back to 23, right now she will be 16 year old now" said Anal.
Cloud: Two mouths? Anyone’s mouths in particular?
Cissnei: You don’t want to use your mouth on Anal.
Reno: That’s not what you said last night!
Hollander look at the sky with his eyes close, he saw the SOLDIER form of Anal.
Cissnei: ...That joke is too easy even for me.
She smiling at Hollander.
" yes…I will look after young Anile" he thought to Anal. Anal smile at Hollander use the Girl's nickname.
" Don't let Hojo hurt her or do tests on her please" said Anal.
" I won't" Hollander thought.
Zack: Yeah, ‘cause you were so successful at stopping him before.
" Are you ok Dr. H?" Zack said. Hollander smile then nod.
" she is 3 year younger then me" Zack said. Hollander smile.
Zack: We’re all so happy that Anal is jailbait.
Sephiroth: (glances covertly at Cloud)
Cloud: Stop that! I'm at least in my mid twenties by now!
Angeal lift the Girl on his back as he jump off the back of the truck...
Aerith: Whee! Piggyback ride!
Sephiroth: I thought Angeal only gave those to Genesis.
Cloud: Genesis tops? I wouldn’t have expected that.
Hollander stand beside Angeal and look at the 16 year old Girl.
Tifa: How many times are they going to mention that she’s sixteen?
Cloud: This is starting to feel like “Dick Grayson, age 12” all over again.
Sephiroth: I’m the goddamn Batman.
" She Cute" Genesis said as he look at the girl. Hollander laugh.
" we should keep a eye on her while she here, away from Hojo?" Zack ask. Genesis turn to him which cause Zack to be nervous.
Zack: Please don’t quote Loveless, please don’t quote Loveless...
" Yes" Genesis said then about to add something but he hear the doors to Shinra open and Hojo with Tseng and Crissner.
Reno: Great job, guys, way to keep her “away from Hojo.” Can you try keeping me away from a beer, next?
Angeal turn his head slightly to face the girl's dead pale face, he still fell her warm breath against his neck. Hojo walk in front of the group.
" well, where did you find that perfect-"
" Drop it Hojo!"
Genesis: Drop it...drop it! Bad scientist!
Genesis shout, don't want to hear the word " Specimen" which he will call the poor Girl.
Sephiroth: That’s his pet name for everyone; don’t take it personally.
" Leave her along Hojo" said Hollander, Hojo look at him with angry in his black and coldness eyes.
Genesis: (grammar aneurysm)
" Angeal, Go and take her to my lab, I be there to check her over" Hollander said to Angeal. Angeal face went pale, he thought Hollander will to tests on her, Hollander saw this.
" I won't do tests on her Angeal, I will just check her heartbeats and stuff" said Hollander.
Angeal fell better about this and went inside the building with Sephiroth and Genesis.
They run throw the silver and bright hallways to Dr. Hollander's lab.
Zack and Reno: Running!
Genesis and Sephiroth run in front of Angeal. Angeal turn his head slightly to face the girl but his mouth open and eyes went wide. The girl's soft, bright blue eyes which shiny was open a little bit, they was a little bit blank but not all. She was looking straight at Angeal's face. Angeal close his mouth and his eyes look at the girl.
The Girl move a little bit.
Cissnei: Then Angeal blinked a little bit, and she scratched her nose a little bit, because it itched a little bit, and I died of boredom a little bit.
" Angel…Who is this man?" the Girl Thought.
Zack: (as Mr.Burns) Who is that bumbling imbecile?
Cloud: (as Smithers) That’s er... Homer Simpson, sir.
Zack: (as Mr. Burns) Simpson, eh? ...Excellent!
Reno: No, the story still sucks, yo. No amount of Simpsons references will save it.
" This man name is Angeal Hewley, he is a SOLDIER, he will look after you" said Anal. The girl smile then rest her head near Angeal's neck. Angeal look at her.
" She starting to go back to sleep" thought Angeal.
Genesis: Introducing Angeal, master of the obvious.
The Girl look at Sephiroth and Genesis spot her eyes open.
" Hello there!" Genesis said as he run, he have a smile.
" Guest she is very, very, very, very weak and she can't talk right now" Genesis thought
Angeal: You were saying?
The men make it to Hollander's lab, the room was mess but bright. Angeal ( who still hold the Girl) look around trying to find something soft for the girl.
" There is a bed over there!" Genesis said as he point to the bed with green covers.
Genesis: My god, I’m a blithering idiot in this story.
Sephiroth: And canonically you spout poetry from Loveless, what, was there some sort of difference I was supposed to notice?
Angeal walk over with the girl over to the bed. Angeal turn his head to see the girl who is now asleep. Angeal smile softly. Angeal sit on the bed the softly let the girl's legs go, he turn and hold the Girl's shoulders as he lay her on the mattress. Angeal stand up, Genesis stand beside Angeal and Sephiroth. Angeal pull the green cover over her body.
Cloud: Hop on Pop had faster pacing than this!
The 3 men stay in the lab till Hollander came back. Few mints pass and the men look around the room, Angeal kneel down to the Girls level. He smile softly, move his right hand to the girl's dead pale face and move a piece of brown hair out of the Girl's face.
" You like this girl, Angeal?" Genesis ask. Angeal's face went pink fast but the other two men did not laugh.
Genesis smile happily.
Genesis: ...A blithering idiot on lots of drugs.
Zack: How are we reading this without drugs?
" How Long till Hollander came!" Genesis shout out of boring. Angeal sigh as he cross his arms.
The door open and the 3 men smile...
Angeal, Genesis, Sephiroth:(singing) We three kings of Orient smile...
….as they turn but they frown as Hojo came in with Dr. Hollander running be hind him as he try to stop him.
Zack and Reno: More running!
" Get out Hojo!" Shout Hollander angry. Hojo went over to the girl, move his glasses back up his nose as he bend forward to look at the Girl's dead pale face. He smile at the teen girl, she lay sound a sleep, not smelling Hojo's bad breath.
Sephiroth: Yes, because experiencing an unpleasant smell is the worst thing that could possibly happen around Hojo.
Cloud: Floating in a mako tube for four years would have been peachy if not for his halitosis.
" Leave her along!" Shout a angry Genesis.
Genesis: I choose to ignore my years of training in armed and unarmed combat in favour of standing still and yelling like a little girl!
Hojo stand up then look at Genesis.
" She is a perfect Specimen for my new tests" Hojo said. Hollander made his hands into a fist and dig his finger nails into his palm until blood came.
Cissnei: You should probably get around to trimming those.
Angeal, Genesis and Sephiroth look angrily at Hojo.
" she is NOT a Specimen!" Shout a very angry Angeal.
Angeal: Thank god we have no weapons or any idea how to use them -- otherwise we might do something useful to oppose him!
Hojo look at the black hair SOLDIER then look at the Girl.
" Hojo…Sir…I…think we should leave" said Crissner. Hojo look at the female Turk.
Cissnei: Who the hell is Crissner? And why does she talk like William Shatner?
" Why…!" Hojo shout.
" We have to Sir" Tseng said his calm voice.
Tseng: Yes! Let us Sir!
Cissnei: Let’s all sir now!
Hojo sigh then walk out of the door before turn back to the little group." She will be my Hollander" Hojo said.
Zack: She will be your fat hippie in sandals? ...Why would you want one of those?
Hollander look at him. Genesis stick his tongue out Hojo when his back was turn.
Sephiroth: Well. That was... mature.
" I so hate Hojo" Genesis said. Hollander sigh then walk up to the bed where the girl sleep. He kneel down to Girl's level and look at her pale face.
" Well done of looking after her" said Hollander as he move some hair out of the girl's dead pale face.
Tifa: Yes, well done standing still and pouting in the background while Hojo cooks up a scheme to splice her DNA with a walrus or something.
Angeal smile and so did the other SOLDIERs .
" Good night" Hollander said as he stand. The 3 SOLDIERs walk to their rooms .
Hollander went to do the tests which check the Girl's health. He put a IV wire ( a patch is there with the IV wire)
He stick the patch on the Girl's left arm which well tell him how strong is her pulse is. He walk to the computer to read the info.
" Hm…a strong 80 for her heartbeats and Pulse…great" Hollander said happily. He went back to the Girl and careful move the patch with the IV wire off the Girl's left arm.
Tseng: Dear lord, he needed an IV to check her pulse? A watch and his middle and index finger weren’t enough?
Angeal: Well, he needed to look at the sky to check her temperature.
Sephiroth: Is it any wonder you and Genesis were failed experiments, with this crackpot as your scientist?
Genesis: That’s rich, coming from the mutant who was killed by his own shouta clone. Twice.
Zack: Three times.
Cloud: Hey, don’t involve me in your catfights either.
He smile at The Girl. He (again) went back to the computer and save the info. He was tired, he turn to look at the girl which cause him to smile.
Cloud: Will everybody stop smiling?! You’re creeping me out!
Luckily there was a other bed in the lab. He went over to the bed until…
" H… … Hollander?" said a weak and shacking voice which sound like a angel. He turn to see the Girl looking at him with her bright blue eyes but she was rubbing her right eye.
Hollander smile then walk to the Girl. He kneel beside her bed. He mess her brown hair which cause her to laugh sweetly and still in a angel voice.
" Yes…get some sleep ok" Hollander said. The girl nod and she fall asleep. Hollander went to his own bed.
Reno: It’s over! The first chapter is over! Strike up the band! Call in the strippers! Somebody get me some fucking drugs!
Tseng: There are four more chapters.
Reno: Lots of fucking drugs!
Chapter 2. Missing and Rescue
The Next day.
All the SOLDIERs have the day off.
Tifa: I can already smell the excitement.
Zack: No, that’s the anal shouting.
Zack wear a plan white t-shirt with black trousers which is the same as Angeal, Genesis wear a red Jacket with black trousers, a silver t-shirt under his red Jacket. Sephiroth was just wearing silver cloths. Sam wear a silver, long sleeve t-shirt with a round neck and black trousers and Taylor wear a white long sleeve t-shirt, black trousers and a short silver skirt which go down to her kneels.
Angeal: Yes, we have established that we are all dressed. Like Trekkies.
Reeve: Obviously we would assume you were all naked if she didn’t list every item of clothing you’re wearing.
Cissnei: How high are the “kneels,” anyway?
Reno: Just about the right height to suck mmphfkphgf.
Tseng: (hand over Reno’s mouth)
The group was waiting for Stevelee.
" Hay Guys" Shout Stevelee.
All: Hi, Dr. Nick!
He wear a white, short sleeve t-shirt which was a round neck, black trousers and silver shoes. His brown goggle was around his neck.
Genesis: There’s no place like home...
Genesis: In the book, Dorothy’s slippers were silver, not ruby.
Angeal: You’re being too obscure, Genesis.
" Hay!" Zack shout back.
Zack: Hello, character who was hastily introduced and has thus far made no impact other than possibly having an evil twin!
Stevelee smile then step to the side to show Dr Hollander with the 16 year old girl.
Her eyes was open to show her bright blue eyes, her hair was back and tie into a pleat. She wear a white t-shirt but it was too big for her, the sleeves go right down to her Fingers, the t-shirt go way past her hips. The trousers was a bit big but she still wear it. She look at Angeal and went pink in the cheeks, Angeal's face went pink too.
Angeal: Why am I blushing? She looks like Huckleberry Finn, am I supposed to find that hot?
Genesis: Maybe you’re just embarrassed on her behalf.
" Nice to see you are ok!" Zack said. The girl turn then smile at Zack.
" Guest we need to get you some fitting Cloths" Taylor said with one hand on her head as she tilt it to a side.
Cissnei: (singing) Be our guest, be our guest....
The Girl look at herself then pull her t-shirt in front of her. She blush heavily which was bad because his is dead pale.
" Zack!" said a soft voice. Zack jump around to see a girl with long brown hair which was in a pleat, green eyes, in her hair was a pink bow, she wear a t-shirt with no sleeves, a blue bow was near her neck, she wear a white skirt which was long. She run fast over to zack.
" Aerith!" shout Zack. He hug Aerith as she hug his chest. She laugh happily.
Zack: Aerith! ...What the hell are you doing in the Shinra building? Aren’t the Turks sort of hunting you?
Cissnei: No no, remember, everyone at Shinra is nice!
" This is your Girlfriend Zack?" Ask Angeal. Aerith smile at Angeal then look at the Girl.
" What's your name?" Aerith ask kindly. The girl blink then look at Hollander. The girl was about to but.
Tseng: ….butt heads?
Tifa: Butt in?
Sephiroth: Button her shirt?
Reno: But aliens landed and put things in her butt?
Aerith: Oh god, the suspense is killing me!
" Oh, Hello there!" said Hojo. The girl went be hind Angeal who reach for one of her hands. He hold the hand tightly.
Reeve: Hojo bamfs around like Loki on a caffeine binge.
" Go away HOJO!" Shout a angry Zack. Aerith was be hind him. Hojo smile at the Girl which cause her go much paler. Hollander spot this and got Angry.
Angeal: Really, it’s unlike Hojo to randomly show up in social situations.
Sephiroth: I always assumed he’d wither and die if he were taken out of his lab.
" Leave us along Hojo" said Hollander
Few hours later- cloth shop.
Cissnei: So, did Hojo leave them “along”?
Tifa: Or did he come with them to do some “cloth” shopping?
The Girls went into the shop to find some cloths for the girl. The guys came in.
" …well…" said a soft quit voice. Everyone turn to see the girl wearing a white, no sleeve, strap t-shirt...
Reno: Costume porn, everybody drink.
Aerith: Is everyone in this story is wearing some kind of t-shirt? Are they required by law in this universe?
...with a very light blue skirt which go down to her ankles and a light blue Jacket. The girl went red and Angeal went a very ghost pink.
" Lovely" Aerith said. The Girl smile.
"…thanks…" she squeak as her voice still gone and not working. Everyone smile.
Sephiroth: Pointless, attention-getting plot device number 6.
" I will go and pay for it" Taylor said as the Girl is here new friend. The girl nod and walk over to her new friends.
Cloud: You know, we did go shopping. We shopped for weapons, curatives, survival gear, magic spells, armour, and random items dug up from an archaeological camp site in the frozen fucking north. But the one thing we never actually went shopping for, in several months’ worth of world travel, was new clothes!
Aerith: Except for your dress.
Cloud: Except for my -- shut up.
Taylor pay the new cloths and went back to her friends.
"…thank…you…Taylor" The Girl struggle to say. Taylor's smile went bigger as the Girl said her name.
" we're Pales!" Taylor smile kindly but this won't last for long.
Zack: The next day they stayed out in the sun a bit too long and then they were Tans.
Back at Shinra- 2 hours later.
The Girl was walking throw the hallway, learn some new names and try to say them.
" Hello miss" A voice said. The girl spun around. Hojo was there with two mask SOLDIERs
Cloud: Hojo is weirdly polite in this.
"…H…Hojo" the Girl struggle to say but worse as her throat go worse.
" Well…you talk…" Hojo said then click his fingers and the two SOLDIERs grab the Girl.
Tseng: But remember -- everyone at Shinra is nice!
"…Angeal…h…he…hel…Help" She struggle to say.
1 hours later.
Aerith: It took her a whole hour to get through that word? No wonder she got captured.
Hollander went to his lab to see the girl, she help him with work. He smile when he walk throw the labs door but his smile gone as he saw that no one was in the lab.
" Hello…Angly…" Hollander use her nickname is he know the girl's real name.
Zack: How many nicknames does she have?
Tseng: You’d have a few too if your name was “Anal”.
Tifa: And why did Hollander call to her after he realized she was missing from the lab?
" HOJO!" Hollander yell as he run to get the others.
Zack and Reno: Even more running! Ooooh...
In Hojo's lab.
Hojo laugh as he walk to the unconscious Girl in the tube which was fill with Mako, a breathing mask was over her mouth, a IV wire was in her right arm. Her hair was down and her hands ways near her heart, blood was there on her forehead as she hit a wall trying to run away from Hojo.
Genesis: Do you have to train to be this useless, or is it a natural gift?
" Your powers…the are great to be use for weapons!" Hojo laugh. He think of the Girl, she will be in a coma as she came out of the tube but he really don't care.
Sephiroth: ….What powers?! At this point we’ve seen her faint, get dressed, get laryngitis, get kidnapped, and run into solid walls like a blind drunk!
Cloud: With her powers of uselessness and his powers of bad breath, Hojo would soon create an unstoppable monster the likes of which the world has never seen!
A man with brown hair down to his shoulders. He wear a lab coat over a black trousers and white t-shirt, the man walk out of the room but stop in the hallway as Hollander, Angeal, Zack, Sephiroth, Genesis, Tseng, Reno, Rude, Sam and Taylor run to the lab.
" MOVE!" they shout as they push back the man.
All: (singing) MOVE, BITCH! GET OUT THE WAY, BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!
" HOJO!" they shout. Hojo jump then spun around.
Tifa: Jesus! Are they all shouting at the same time?
Angeal: Yes, the choreography took days of practice.
Cloud: I’d jump too if Shinra’s Deadliest turned up and started chanting at me.
Genesis: We’re like a heavily armed Greek chorus on a rescue mission.
They all stand with angry in their eyes.
" What are going to do to her!" shout Zack. Hojo look at the girl.
" Her Powers" Hojo said. Everyone look at him.
Sephiroth: Waiting for the rest of his sentence, no doubt.
" You are mad Hojo!" Zack said. Sephiroth grab Hojo by the coat and let the others to save.
Hollander went to the computer to turn the tube off..
" She is in a deep coma!" Hojo said. Everyone face fall. Angeal look at the girl then a felling came to his heart.
Angeal: It toppled like a tree.
" Angeal…It's me! Anal, Hojo is right but she won't die as long as you believe in her, she won't die" Anal said.
" if I believe in her?" thought Angeal.
Angeal: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Aerith: Clap your hands if you believe, Tinkerbell!
" (laughing) you her friend right,? Some of her powers pass throw her to you, this happen after you are the first person she saw by her own eye other then my" said Anal
Cissnei: I spy, with my little eye...
Tseng: A pathetic attempt at a plot device.
" so…if…she came out of the tube, the power in my body will came to heal her?" Angeal thought.
" Yes…don't worry, and her name is Anglia." said Anal.
Angeal look at the Girl, turn to Hollander and nod.
Angeal: *concentrating* So because she was looking at me, I have to believe in her while she’s out of the tube, so the power in my body will....wait, what??
Hollander nod back, press a button and the mako drain from the tube, Angeal open the tube and lift the girl.
" Anglia…" Angeal whisper. The Girl move to have her head near Angeal's chest. Her eyes open.
" H…how?" she whisper.
" The Angel tell me your name" Angeal whisper back.
Tifa: The author retconned your name, because someone finally got around to telling her what “anal” meant.
The girl who is Anglia smile and close her eyes
" Angeal…thank you so much" she use one of her powers, telephony, to say. Angeal blink as he was surprise about the power of telephony but he smile.
" you are welcome Anglia" he thought back.
Anglia smile as she lay asleep.
Angeal smile back and put Anglia onto his back. Hollander walk over to Angeal and Anglia
(He and Angeal is the only ones know the girl's real name)
Tseng: Well, which one is it?
" Is she ok Angeal?" Hollander ask with a worried voice.
Angeal: I don’t know, you’re the doctor, you tell me. All I know is that her tempter is hot.
" She is going to be fine" Angeal said with a smile.
The other came over to Angeal, the Girl and Hollander. Angeal put the Girl onto his back then the others run out of Mad Hojo's lab.
Zack: Well men (and Crissner), it looks like the Greek chorus is no longer needed here -- let’s all run off together and shout at Heidegger!
All: (running offscreen) Hail Weiss!
Chapter 3. Angel's wings
Few days later.
It was Thursday mid day and the crew have a day off.
In the rest room.
Zack: Our day off is in the bathroom? Shinra’s vacation package sucks.
Cloud: Can we spy on the executive boardroom from our “vacation” suite?
Taylor wear a white long sleeve t-shirt, black trousers and a short silver skirt which go down to her kneels.
Sephiroth: The female remnant seriously lacks fashion sense.
Sam wear a silver, long sleeve t-shirt with a round neck and black trousers.
The Girl wearing a white, no sleeve, strap t-shirt with a very light blue skirt which go down to her ankles and a light blue Jacket.
Tifa: What is this, Fanfic Barbie?
Sam, Taylor and the Girl was sitting drinking some tea. Taylor was sing sweetly and like a little angel.
"…Cool… …" The Girl said but thanks to the mako, her voice is gone again and she can't say more then one word at a time. Taylor smile and continue Sing, one line she sing in a real Angel voice.
" Our love is what is our power which make us STRONG!" Taylor sing. The girl look at Sam.
Genesis: Excuse me, I need to go vomit up everything I’ve eaten since fourth grade.
"…Blushing?… …" the Girl said. Sam was blushing a soft, light red.
" Thinking about Sephiroth?" Taylor ask.
" … … Sephiroth?… …" The Girl said.
Aerith: Yes, Sephiroth, you do remember who he is?
" Ok…so I like Sephiroth but Taylor like Genesis!" Sam said. Taylor blush but smile.
"… …Sweet… …" said The Girl. The other two girls laugh.
" The light in our heart is strong as we fight together, the love in our heart will last forever!" sing Taylor.
Cissnei: Well, it’s not worse than the crap they air on the radio these days.
" Ah…" said a male voice which make Taylor jump and blush hard. Genesis was there and his own face was red.
"… …Genesis… …" said the Girl. Genesis smile, he still wear a red jacket with black t-shirt and black trousers.
Genesis: Because I look damn good in it.
Taylor stand and try her best to stop blushing.
The Girl look around, trying to see Angeal.
" … …Angeal… …" she ask. Genesis turn then remember something Angeal ask him to do.
" Angeal ask if you can come to the training room" Genesis told the girl.
The girl nod and went to the training then peck throw the glass door of the RV Training room.
Zack: Trying to peck her way through the glass left her bloody and unconscious, breaking her Mary Sue spell, and the plot returned to normal. The End.
She bend forward with her arms behind her back with her hands in a hall. Her blue eyes soften as she saw Angeal, he train be himself but something else make her smile softly. One two part white wing come out of his right shoulder. One was small which go form his hips to the back of his kneel and the other go form his head to the floor. Angeal keep his head down as he train but suddenly he shout in pain, drop his sword which was the buster sword, he fall to his kneels, his left hand was across his chest and on his right shoulder.
Genesis: Er... Hello? Story? Mind telling us what the hell just happened?
Cloud: His character was so lifeless, he went into spontaneous cardiac arrest.
Tifa: Maybe he felt a sudden desperate need to recite the pledge of allegiance.
The Girl run into the room.
"… …Angeal… …!" She shout. She kneel be hind Angeal, she reach out her arms then softly put her arms around Angeal's neck and shoulders.
Angeal: Thank you, that’s helpful. Just hug me while I bleed. Don’t bother any doctors.
She about to put her chin on Angeal's left shoulder but she frozen then she saw blood come out of Angeal's right shoulder, some blood on the white feathers. She turn her head to see blood on the ground.
Angeal: Why? Why am I bleeding?
Reno: That time of the month?
Zack: (singing) There’s blood in the streets, it’s up to my ankles...
Tifa: (singing) Blood on the scarecrow, blood on the plow...
Sephiroth: (singing) Bloodbath in paradise, nowhere you can run to...
She fell her heart beating weakly.
"… …Angeal… …" she said in a crying, shacking voice. Angeal said nothing but gritting his teeth as pain came.
The girl try to use her powers but thanks to Hojo, her powers are off, she can't use telephony.
Cissnei: She hadn’t paid the phony bill this month.
Cloud: Can you hear me now?
The girl fell tears in her eyes as memories of her past flash, a scream of her as one memory was a boy about 14, brown hair down to his chin, dark blue eyes which was only open a little, wearing the SOLDIER uniform like Angeal's, he lay in a pool of blood, his face cover in blood.
He lay, dying, a girl with brown hair which go down to her shoulders, she wear a white t-shirt and blue skirt. She kneel there, in the blood as the boy smile weakly and lift a sword which look like the buster sword but thinker and shaper.
Zack: She didn’t!
He give it to the girl, push it to her chest then take a bracelet off his right wrist and give it to the girl's hand but hold her hand tight.
" Keep on fighting sis" he said very weakly. The boy smile for the last time then he close his eyes and lay his head on the ground. The girl scream very loud as tears fall form her bright blue eyes.
Angeal: She did. She actually did.
The girl was her ( Anglia) she was 10 year old and the boy was her older bother, Anakin, he was 14 but be died with his parents when dark SOLDIERs came to their house in Banora village.
Out of memories.
Zack: You mean, out of stolen cut scenes?
Prepare yourself for a mind bending ragegasm
Genesis: You craven...thieving...heartless, soulless, gutless, shameless...graverobber!
Tseng: Words fail me.
Reno: This isn’t even funny, yo.
Reeve: Now it’s Ultima 9 bad.
Sephiroth: (applauding slowly) Well done...well done. You have taken one of the most pivotal and poignant moments in a dynastic story, and cheapened it to less than dimestore paperback melodrama. And I thought I was a bastard.
Genesis: Shallow, grubbing, viperous, heretical, contemptuous...
Zack: And my death wasn’t even good enough for you, but that you had to add cheap jewelry and an even bigger sword?
Cissnei: I am convinced that all this author did before she wrote this fucking story was watch the youtube cut scene with her hand down her pants!
Genesis: ...pilfering, plundering, pillaging, plagiarizing...
Cloud: I’m so glad that the anguish and guilt and unlivable burden of watching my best friend pump out the last of his heart’s blood on a clifftop slaughterhouse could be so inspirational to your little barbie-doll wankfest.
Aerith: And I'm so happy to see that my true love, for whom I waited for four years before my heart broke as I felt him die horribly far from me, has apparently been replaced by a future Sith Lord.
Genesis: ...autolatrous vainglorious soi-desant cleistogamete!
Angeal: Gen, you’re getting too obscure again.
The girl look at the blood for Angeal's right shoulder which was still bleeding heavily.
Angeal: Oh yes, while you’ve been staring off into space for ten minutes in a flashback to someone else’s death scene, I’ve been quietly dying here on the floor.
Cissnei: Don’t you mean ten mints?
" … …Angeal…p…please" she said in a struggle voice. Angeal still don't move.
" …Angeal…you…are…dead…" said an other male voice. Angeal move away from the girl's grasps and stand.
Zack: *poking Angeal* You are dead...don’t be dead...stop being dead!
Angeal: You should have thought of that before you killed me.
Zack: You were asking for it when you turned into that...thing!
Sephiroth: I suppose we’re lucky she didn’t steal that scene, too.
It was the man who Anal have to fight. Angeal lift his sword and ready to fight. The girl stand up and stay behind.
Few mints later.
Reno: Oh, what the fuck?! Are we going to get one single fight scene in this estrogenfest?
The Girl's eyes was wide, her mouth open wide, her hands over her mouth, Angeal lay unconscious, he have cuts in his body, blood on the ground under him. His face was red with blood. The man was away, he disappear.
Tseng: We’re not going to look for him, are we?
The Girl run over to Angeal fast. She kneel in the bloodstained floor, she don't care, she want to help. She lift Angeal's head and softly put it onto her lap, his wings spread out on the floor.
The cut which the girl got worried was a very seriously deep in his chest which look worse, it was bleeding seriously. She take her phone out of her jacket pocket, she put Taylor's number in and put near her ear.
" … … Angeal…H…Hurt… …!" she said in her bad voice.
Tifa: Why does she have a phone if she can barely talk?
Zack: Maybe she should text instead.
Genesis: And because this story reads like a text message, she should have no trouble with that.
" What! Angeal is hurt!" Taylor shout which the girl pitcher the others run to Taylor.
" Angeal is hurt!" Taylor said to one of the others.
" What! Where are they!" Genesis yell throw the phone.
" … …Training…r…room… …" the girl said with tears. Her voice sound like she is crying.
Cissnei: But because Genesis “throw” the phone, he never heard her answer and Angeal bled to death, trapped in a sealed vault with a useless twit.
" It will be ok… hold on ok!" Taylor said in a calm voice.
The girl turn her phone off, put it into her pocket and softly put her arms around Angeal's neck and shoulders.
Angeal: Ow. Bleeding, remember?
She stair at Angeal's pale white face.
" ANGEAL" shout Genesis. The girl turn to see the others running over to her and Angeal.
Genesis kneel beside the girl who have tears in her eyes. Sephiroth put his hands on the girl's shoulders.
" Haha!" Shout 10 voices. They group turn to see 10 Dark SOLDIERs stand with their swords.
Zack: Oh, shit, they have a Greek chorus too -- and they’re actually using their weapons! Why didn’t we think of that?
Cissnei: But really, who the hell are the Dark SOLDIERs? What is their motivation? Why should we care?
Cloud: And how did they learn to laugh in unison like that?
The girl keep her hands around Angeal's neck and shoulders.
Few mints later.
The others was hurt.
Genesis: Gee, if only I could have defended myself, possibly with a weapon of some kind.
"…Stop!…" the girl scream loudly. She put her head down onto Angeal's and something happen.
" Wow!" said everyone but Angeal and the girl. Out of the young, thin girl's body was two, two part wings very like Angeal's. her small wing go from her head to her back, the big one go from her head to the floor.
Tseng: Oh, fuck this!
Aerith: Plot? What plot?
Angeal: First you steal Zack’s death, then you kill me with mystery-stabbing, then you try to upstage my death?! Which you caused?
Her wings was very peal white and glow as Anal the Angel's powers and the girl's mix around her the young body and now the wings. Genesis run over to the girl. She was crying softly on Angeal's head.
Angeal: I’m dying, and now uncomfortably damp. Thank you.
He kneel beside her but his bright mako blue eyes widen, mouth drop open and his hart acing. Her back was bleeding very badly, her face shown how much pain she was in with the wings but she just cry as the pain came .Genesis softly his hands on the girl's shoulders. He sense the girl will black out soon due to the pain.
Sephiroth: At this rate, we’re all going to end up in Hojo’s labs needing blood transfusions, and there’s no knowing what we’ll wake up as.
Zack and Cloud run over fast to help. Genesis move his head to face them but spun his head back as the girl black out and fall backwards.
Genesis: Your mother performs acts of fellatio in hell!
Genesis grab her before she hit her head on the floor. He sit her with her head rested on Genesis' shoulder. He fell her blood but he don't care, she was very dead pale, one of her wings rested on Genesis' head while the other lay on the ground. Genesis face went pale as she was still in very, very, super badly pain which show in her face,
" Zack! Get Dr. Hollander" Genesis ordered. Zack nod, stand then run fast out of the door to Hollander's lab.
Angeal: Really, I’d rather just have a standard medkit, this is no worse than what Genesis usually does to me.
Genesis: Honestly, I only detonated the fireball in your face one time.
Sephiroth help to lift Angeal up and lean him against the wall.
Sephiroth help to lift Angeal up and lean him against the wall.
Angeal: Thank you, now I can bleed faster.
His head rested on the wall. The cuts in his face and chest. Blood on his face and chest.
"Angeal!" shout Hollander He run to the injured. Hollander eyes widen as he saw the Girl's wings.
" Genesis, lay her on her stomach" Hollander said.
Cloud: Genesis, forget about your dying friend and focus all your attention on the winged bimbo!
Angeal: Hey, I have a wing.
Tifa: You know, considering that you’re the Sue’s main love interest, you’re really getting the short end of the stick here.
Hollander take his lab coat off then fold it into a pillow. Genesis let the girl forward and lay her head on the lab coat pillow, they don't want to damage her wings.
Aerith: Ah, I see Hollander graduated from the Intermediate Pillow Folding course.
Angeal: Meanwhile, I quietly bled to death in the corner.
Tseng: It seemed kinder than making you stay in the story.
Her head softly rest on the lab coat, her arms at her sides. Hollander crouched down near the girl. He move a hand to the girl and softly stroke her hair to calm the pain which still was very, very super, super badly.
Genesis: Well, how lovely. You know what I got when I started sprouting weird mutations? Exile! And leprosy!
Hollander know what with the wings, the girl's body will be so much weaker then before, due because of the mako in her body. Genesis softly stroke her hand. The pain start to go away.
Aerith: Because of Genesis’ magical acupressure skills?
Zack grab some of his Healing materia and cast them onto Angeal.
All: (start cheering and applauding for Zack)
Cloud: Finally! Someone does something useful!
Zack: And it was me!
"Hm" Angeal mutter as he wake up. He sit up and rub his head, until he saw the girl with the wings and her. His mouth drop open and his eyes widen.
" What Happen?" Angeal whisper. Zack smile.
Zack: I may be the first person in bad fanfiction history to remember to use a cure spell.
" Tell you later…" Zack said. Angeal went over to the girl. Hollander was there, still softly stoking the girl's head.
He saw the blood out of the girl's back.
Her face was now calm and not in pain in fact, she was asleep.
Zack: So I should heal her too, right? ...Why am I not healing her?
Tifa: She’s a Sue, she’d rather be dying and adored than awake and healthy... or helpful.
" Should we get her to your lab Dr. Hollander?" Zack ask Kindly.
Tseng: (as Hollander) Yes we should...and don’t call me Kindly.
Hollander nod and lift the girl up. Her wings was still there, the large wings barely touch the floor. Her head rest on Hollander's shoulder.
Angeal: I’m fine now, by the way.
In Hollander's lab
The Girl sit on the metal table. Her wings was still out and white feathers lay around her. She was still in Super, super, super, super badly pain but Hollander ask her to sit on the table. The girl was now nervous.
Genesis: (literary rage) Find a new superlative!
" relax Anglia…" Hollander said using her real name. Hollander walk up to her then mess he hair softly which cause her to laugh and smile.
" open your mouth please" ask Hollander. Anglia open her mouth and Hollander take a stick with a cotton ball.
Reno: You mean a fucking Q-tip? Why the fuck do we need to know all this anyway?
He put it into Anglia's mouth and get some DNA for her mouth. Anglia laugh after he take the stick out. Hollander's face fall as Anglia gasps her skirt due to the pain which was Super, super, super, super bad.
Genesis: I super hate you.
Hollander stroked her hair as he calm the pain which work. Anglia turn her head to look at her wings,
" You're a Angel Anglia" said Anal. Anglia blink.
" I have your wings " Anglia though.
" No…the wings have both our powers but those wings are your"
Anglia smile as she remember something.
Cissnei: Wait, what? Who the hell is talking?
Sephiroth: I really don’t want to re-read it to find out.
" Wings like Angeal's" Anglia thought back
" (laughing) yes…" Anal said. Anglia smile then turn back to see Hollander smiling.
" I Go and get a book for you" Hollander said calm. He nod, she not reading " Loveless". Anglia sigh.
"… … Others… …Please" She said in her bad voice but luckily her friends know what she meant.
" Ok…" Hollander said then added " Genesis may read " Loveless" to you"
in the hall way.
Zack: Bwa hahahaha! She’ll finally get the punishment she deserves!
Genesis: I do love a captive audience.
Hollander remember something from the past. ( Flashback)
" Hello Hollander" said a lady who have long, light brown hair which was in a ponytail, very bright blue eyes, she have a gold heart shape necklace around her neck, she wear a light blue dress with a white Jacket.
Aerith: It’s not me, is it? Tell me it’s not me.
" Hello Anal" said Hollander, the Lady was Anal Heartlight and her husband is Alexander Heartlight.
Zack: Phew! Don’t worry Aerith, it’s just Anal.
Aerith: ...That’s only slightly reassuring.
" Anglia's check up?" Anal ask kindly. Hollander did this for 4 years since Anglia was born because of the little accident.
Tifa: That’s a nice way to refer to it.
Genesis: At least we know they didn’t mean to produce her.
" yes…where is she, Anakin and Alex?" Hollander ask.
Angeal: Anakin, we're actually going to stick with that name. When did we switch to Star Wars?
Genesis: I wouldn’t think the Mary Sue would want another drama queen flouncing around in her story, stealing the spotlight.
Sephiroth: As long as Jar Jar Binks doesn’t show up, we may make it out of here alive.
Anal show where the 2 where which was in the bright living.
Tseng: Who when where what?
A man with dark brown which go down to shoulder, dark blue eyes, he wear a blue t-shirt and black trousers. The man was Alex Heartlight, he sit on the green couch. A young boy who is 8 year old, brown hair, dark blue eyes, he wear a white t-shirt and black shorts, a gold bracelet around his right wrist, He said on the green cough too. he smile at Hollander.
Zack: Wow, an entire chapter spent at the doctor’s office. Man, this is fucking boring!
Cloud: Oh, and say hello to the kid who grows up to steal your death scene.
" Alex" said Hollander. Alex look up then smile.
" Anglia's check up?" he ask. Hollander nod.
Cissnei: Son of a bitch! We just spent four chapters watching her in the doctor’s office, we have to flash back to another goddamn checkup?
Alex stand up from the floor then leave the room.
" Anglia is asleep?" Hollander ask
" Yes" said Anal. Hollander nod.
Cloud: Wait, wait a minute...so Anal is the mother...and the angel...and sometimes the daughter too, but only when her personalities are merged...I’m completely lost.
Reno: This story just can’t get enough Anal, yo.
" Here she is" Alex said as he walk in with a girl with light brown hair, very bright blue eyes which was half open, she wear a white dress with straps. The girl was Anglia, she rub one eye while the other was still open a little.
" Oh Alex! You wake her up!" Anal sigh. Alex smile then walk over to Hollander.
" Hello Dr. Hollander" little Anglia said. Hollander smile.
Hollander walk into the training room and saw the people he was looking for.
Tseng: Ah, yes...I often like to stand around reflecting on inane exchanges of pleasantries and the clothes everyone was wearing that day. Wait...no I don’t. I like accomplishing things.
" Hello!" Hollander said. The SOLDIERs was wearing the cloths they wear the day when Anglia waking her wings.
Sephiroth: They’re known as “uniforms.” We wear them often.
" How is she?" Genesis ask. Hollander smile fait away.
" She is fine though the pain is worse now and she can't move around much." Hollander said.
Tseng: Translation -- she felt the center of attention slipping away from her, so she raised her personal drama factor by a magnitude of twenty.
" Oh…" Genesis said. His head went down as the thought of the girl ( Anglia) can't came out of the lab due to the pain.
Sephiroth: In my experience, the inside of the lab was always more painful.
" She like you all to come to visit" Hollander said. The others smile.
" Maybe we can help her to fly with her wings" said Zack while pointing to Angeal and Genesis.
Zack: And by “we,” I mean them.
Hollander walk to the lab along with the others.
Back in the lab.
Anglia sit on the table swing her legs until she hear the door open, she move a little which cause her wings to move a little. A smile came across her face as Angeal, Genesis and the others came in.
" Nice to see you are alright" Genesis said. The girl nod and smile.
Angeal: She looks surprisingly chipper for someone who was in bone-wracking pain a few mints ago.
" Genesis and Angeal is going to teach you how to fly!" Zack said which not a surprise anymore.
"…Flying?" Anglia ask. Angeal smile then nod. Anglia smile back then look at her wings.
" where to Train" Anglia whisper but everyone hear it and their mouths drop open and eyes widened.
Genesis: My god -- her grammar is worse than ever!
Hollander close his mouth then smile.
" Anglia is stronger now, she can now speak 3 words and in a like a normal person" he thought
Anglia blink at the others but they smile.
Tifa: Yeah, being able to speak only three words at a time, just like a normal person.
Reno: What you say?
" the other SOLDIERs now about Anglia's wings and Called her the Shinra Angel" Angeal thought.
Angeal: Hi, I’m Angeal and I’ll be your exposition this evening.
Zack: Were you sent by the Department of Redundancy Department?
" Come, lets go to train." Genesis said. Anglia smile and slowly got off the table. Her wings softly touch the ground, Genesis softly put a hand on her right shoulder and the bunch went out of the lab.
Luckily the SOLDIERs was worried about Anglia and want to see Anglia's wings which is why they call her the
" Shinra Angel"
Sephiroth: Sure, when they called me the ‘one-winged angel’ it was all doom and terror, but when she does it...
Aerith: Gee, I can’t imagine why.
Cloud: She’s right, Anal hasn’t gotten any of us set on fire...yet.
Reno: Never! That may have actually made the story tolerable.
Tseng: Maybe the next time her own story stops focusing on her, she’ll try it as a last resort.
Angeal's wing came out of his right shoulder. Anglia stand ready to learn to fly.
Genesis sigh then let his wing out. Anglia smile as the two One-Wing SOLDIERs turn to her.
Tifa: Yes, how do you manage not to fly in circles with just one wing?
Genesis: It took a lot of practice. We spent a few undignified days flapping around sideways.
Sephiroth: On a side note, does anyone remember that I have a wing? That, in fact, I was the original model for having a wing? That, ultimately, I defined a generation of video game villains with my one-winged form, including you prequel upstarts? ...Anyone?
Zack: Shh...If you don’t stop breaking the fourth wall we’ll never make it through the rest of the story.
"Ready?" Angeal ask. Anglia nod then Genesis and Angeal start.
" Angeal like her!" Zack whisper. Angeal face went red as he hold Anglia's hand. The 3 wing People went into the air. At first Anglia wobbly a lot but she hold Angeal's hand tighter.
" Balance" Angeal said. Anglia nod and let go of Angeal's hand then reach them out to keep her balance.
Tifa: Oh, balance! I never would have thought of that until you told me.
Cloud: And here I was just going to corkscrew through a window.
Her head was forward as she look at the ground. Angeal bend forward and tilt his head to face Anglia. Genesis go in front of her .
" Alright, you got balance, now try looking up" Genesis said. Anglia slowly lift her head but wobbly a little.
" Look at Genesis" Angeal said. Anglia look at Genesis face and that help with the balance. Genesis smile.
Angeal: (sigh) Remember those simulation battles on the Junon cannon? What happened to us, man?
Genesis: After the video of that very battle hit Youtube, it was all downhill from there.
Sephiroth: Face it, we were all doomed the moment we went high-def.
Anglia swallow then put her arms down to her side which make Angeal and Genesis smile.
Genesis fly backwards to be far away from Anglia.
Tifa: And who could blame him?
She lean forward then start to move forward slowly, after she fly faster towards Genesis. She was flying. After she reach Genesis she circled him till she stand in font of him.
" Well then Genesis" she said in a funny voice. Genesis laugh.
Genesis: Again, a blithering idiot on lots and lots of drugs.
" You doing great!" Genesis said. Anglia smile then turn her body to see Angeal flying towards then but…
" ANGEAL!" Anglia and Genesis yell. Angeal got attack and fall towards the ground very fast, blood come out of his left arm. His eyes close, Anglia bit her lip.
Angeal: No. No! I demand an explanation for this! Why do I keep falling over half-dead, every time the plot needs thickening?
Tseng: Hojo must have weaponized her uselessness as a virus. Along with the wings, apparently.
" ANGEAL!" She yell loudly. Angeal's eyes snap open and flap his wing to stop him from hitting the ground.
He fly back to Genesis and Anglia's level. Anglia fly over to him fast.
" Are you ok?" she ask in a worried voice. Angeal look at her, holding his left arm. Anglia tear a piece of her skirt then bandage the wound.
" To Tight?" She whisper.
" No…" Angeal whisper back. Anglia smile then turn to see the attacker.
Angeal: No, I didn’t like my circulation anyway.
" Angeal!" She said then point to the attacker. Angeal turn to see the man.
The man hold a long sword which was like Sephiroth's.
Sephiroth: Sweet Shiva! Are there no other swords in existence other than ones that resemble ours?
Cloud: At least call it a katana, or heaven forbid, learn that it’s called the Masamune.
Tifa: Maybe they won all the replicas from the Gold Saucer.
"Anglia…move" Angeal whisper to Anglia. She nod and fly to the others on the ground.
Few mints later.
All: (shouting) What happened?!
Reno: Hey, we really can shout in unison, yo.
Angeal was hurt, Anglia ( who was on the ground) can't see him get hurt anymore and fly up to Angeal fast. Genesis came too with his sword.
The man was about attack Angeal but Genesis save him by taking the hit with his sword.
" Go away!" said Genesis.
Angeal: Oh, scathing comeback. I’m sure he’ll do exactly what you tell him.
Few more mints later.
Genesis help Angeal by have one of Angeal's arms around his neck and his other at his left side. Angeal cough and blood come.
Angeal: You mean he didn’t go away? I’m shocked.
Anglia had her hands near her chin and together. Anglia look at Angeal's pale face.
" Zack" Sephiroth said as he pick Zack up then fly up to the 3 other wing people.
" A Black Wing?" Anglia ask as Sephiroth have one black wing like Genesis coming out of his left shoulder.
Tseng: There, you see, she does acknowledge your wing. Eventually. ...And only by comparing it to Genesis’.
Reno: *snrk* That’s not all they compare, yo.
Sephiroth: I had the wing before the retcon.
Genesis: Yours is smaller, though.
Sephiroth: But lasts much longer.
Cloud: But mine is thicker....wait, what are we talking about?
Angeal eyes slowly move to Zack.
" Cure 3!" Zack shout as he cure Angeal. After Angeal was healed.
Chapter 5 Zack's wings
Few weeks later.
Cloud: Wow, that’s a lot of mints.
Anglia was strong at flying now. Anglia tell the others about her past in a normal voice and pest
Cissnei: “Pest” is right. I liked her better when she was mute.
Anglia smile as she was back in the village. Genesis was looking forward for his own bed while Angeal can't wait to see his mother.
Genesis: Yes...about that, Angeal...
Sephiroth: She may have committed seppuku. Out of shame.
Zack smile as he was looking to see Mrs Hewley again. Aeris came with them.
Anglia walk to her house as the others went the other way.
Near Genesis' house.
" See you later" Genesis said then went to his house. Angeal smile then nod to his friend.
Zack smile as Aeris walk backwards to face him.
" Here we are!" Angeal said.
Few mints later- inside Angeal's house.
Tseng: The mints again...I sense imminent off-screen action.
Zack: Maybe they used the mints to censor you digging up the bodies of Genesis’ parents.
Genesis: They had it coming.
Aeris sit drinking a cut of tea at the brown table and chair.
Zack talk to Angeal until and knock came to the door.
Angeal: Damn, it’s the Jenova’s Witnesses again.
Sephiroth: Good morning sir...Are you ready for the Reunion?
" ANGEAL!" Genesis' voice scream throw the door. Angeal open the door and Genesis was there.
2 hours later.
"A…Aeris…" Zack said weakly. He lay on the ground as a cut was in his chest.
Zack: What the fuck just happened?!
Cloud: You can’t die again, she already stole that scene!
Aeris got hold back as Dark SOLDIERs, Angeal and Genesis fight.
" NO!" Zack yell as the SOLDIER was about to attack Aeris, he run over at punch the man away.
Zack: Punch him? Where the hell is my sword?
Sephiroth: Where is anyone’s sword?
Reno: In your pants.
Cloud: See, that’s an appropriate time to punch someone.
Aeris hug Zack as he fall to the ground. Zack hug Aeris weakly.
" Don't hurt Zack or Aeris!" Angeal yell angry. Zack stand and went to fight.
Genesis: So it’s fine if they hurt me?
Angeal: Admit it, you enjoy it.
Few mints later
Zack was seriously hurt, as the last of his strength he put a hand into a fist then rush it to the side.
Cloud: Wow, these mints are kicking Zack’s ass.
He fall to his kneels as pain came as something white came out of his back. Angeal and the others eyes widened. The thing which come out of his back was a wing like Angeal's. it come out of his left shoulder.
" W…win…wings" Zack said before he black out.
Aeris kneel beside Zack's head as he lay .
Few hours later-Back at shinra
" I hear what happen" Sephiroth said as he walk up to Angeal.
Angeal: Really? I didn’t. Every time I picked up my sword, I was bombarded with a hail of mints, and by the time I could see again, it was all over. And I was usually dying.
The group was waiting outside the sickbay to hear the news about Zack. Sephiroth look at Aeris who sit on the chairs, she have a worried face on.
Sephiroth: She should be worried.
" He will be ok Aeris" Anglia said as she try to calm Aeris, Aeris look at her.
The men look at the 16 year old girl and 18 year old girl.
" Hello" said the doctor as he walk out of the room.
Cloud: It was opposite day, apparently.
The group stand and look at the doctor.
" How is Zack?" ask Aeris.
" young Fair have some seriously wounds in his chest but he will live, Dr. Hollander will say more" he said.
" Zack back wounds going to be worse then any other back wounds when waking the wings." He said.
" Worse?" Anglia ask.
" Zack will be in bed for a few weeks but he will be fine" said Hollander.
Zack: So I’ll take more time to heal than Princess Useless? This is bullshit!
The others smile.
" can we see him?" Aeris ask. Hollander nod then went into the room.
Zack lay on his stomach. He was still asleep. Aeris went over to the bed and softly stroked Zack's hair which cause him to wake up.
" Aeris?" he say softly as he smile. She smile and hug him but.
" Ah…" She said as Zack's wing hit her on the head. Zack lay and the others stand
" Guest your dream of flying is now real" Anglia said. Zack smile.
Tseng: (sighs) I’m not saying I agree with how angst-ridden you all became over your wings...but it would be nice to see just a little acknowledgement of the self-doubt of metamorphosis.
Few weeks later.
Zack was out of the sickbay and ready to train with his wing.
" WH!" Zack yell as she fly upside down, Angeal sigh and a hand was on his head, Genesis and Sephiroth laugh while Anglia fly to help.
Cloud: Sephiroth...is laughing?
Her hands was behind her back, she bend forward.
"Need help" Anglia said. Zack look at her, he nod and Anglia grab his hand which pull him to be right side up.
" Angeal!" Zack said as he try to fly over but near go up side down again.
" balance" Angeal said which help Zack a lot.
Angeal: Why can’t any of you think of this on your own?
Zack smile until he saw Aeris and fly down.
" What is he going to do" Angeal said while sighing.
Zack grab Aeris and fly up in the air.
" Like the view" Zack ask. Aeris nod and watch the stars. Anglia smile.
Aeris: The view of the abruptly ended fanfic? Yes Zack, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, hold me!
Zack: It’s like staring into a clean new dawn after a long and bloody battle for your lives...but then, the author knows all about that scene, doesn’t she.
Genesis: So, I suppose we go back to being dead now?
Sephiroth: Out of my way...I’m going to see my father.
Cloud: Don’t ask. For the love of god, don’t ask.
(Sephiroth, Genesis, Angeal, and Cissnei warp out)
AN: At least in the first game, all you had to do was show up for Aerith‘s death. In Crisis Core, they not only topped it, they made you earn it. The scene of Zack’s death ripped your heart out of your chest, slathered it in worchestershire sauce and threw it to a pack of hungry hyenas. Then they shoved the tattered remains back in your chest and made you feel its dying beats as you tried to lift your sword one more time, then left you on a cliff to get riddled with bullets. And you thanked them for it, because it was fucking beautiful.
And then she fucking stole it!
AN #2: It was a moment of equal parts enlightenment and rage to realize that the “Dark SOLDIERS” who kept popping up were supposed to be the regular Shinra army. You know the part before the cut scene she stole when Zack is getting mowed down by a thousand military grunts? Yeah....she thought those were the Psycho Rangers -- some kind of evil corrupted SOLDIER as opposed to Shinra trying to cover its own atrocities by mercilessly slaughtering their own. (Or so I assume, it was sort of hard to tell)