Holy Floating Turkeys, Batman!

<-------- Immortal Kombat

A/N: Like most Anime Christmas specials and/or movies, this isn't in canon with the rest of the MST's story line. This is why we currently have an non-traumatized Sephiroth, follow the above link if you missed him shattering mentally for at least the third time in his life. Why does our silly MST even have canon? Because it proves that even stupid shit like this can have a plot so fanfiction writers and Square Enix have no excuse to not include one. 

This episode’s drinking game:
Take a sip every time Barret loses his temper.
Take two sips for every Christmas special cliche.
Take a shot every time the characters lapse into being British.
Take two shots for every fat joke made at Wedge’s expense.
Clean up beer after the spit-take when you find the reason for this MST’s title.
If you need to drink to dull the bitterness of being alone this Christmas, take a shot for every cartoonishly censored curse word.
If you’re the poor sap who has to drive after the holiday party, take a shot when the religious origins of Christmas on Gaia are explained...or get a fuckin’ cab. It’s Christmas.

Rufus: Oh, what the hell, ‘tis the season...here, your child mascot can join you for this one.
Marlene: (teleports into the theater)
Barret: Oh sweetie, you’re here for this one? This better not be porn!
Marlene: You’ve been looking at boobies in space this whole time?
Cid: Tch...I wish.

Final Fantasy 7 - Christmas in Seventh Heaven
by Okurasu

"Get ya' a$ up you little s£t!"

Cloud: Hey, f% you, a$h@!
Marlene: Papa, why are you cursing like the funny pages?

Cloud slowly awakened to find Barret staring over him, his face pulsating fiery red and teeth clenched as tight as they possibly could.

Reeve: Is he hulking out?
Sephiroth: No, he’s turning into the fucking Balrog!

Cloud then replied faintly, "What do you want I was sleeping." Barret was becoming even more pissed off, blood pressure rising, teeth starting to crack.

Cid: Christ, man, calm the fuck down!

He was so close to blow up and tear Cloud to shreds. "Its fc&ing Christmas you dull s£t! Marlene has been waiting for ages!" Cloud then came to realize that it was in fact Christmas, he quickly jumped up from his bed and looked over to Marlene who had been standing by the door the whole time.

Aerith: Right, like a four-year-old wouldn’t be jumping on your head before dawn on Christmas morning.

"Oh sorry Marlene, I was in a very deep sleep, they get even more terrifying every time."

Cloud: Hi little girl, let me tell you about my nightmares of burning towns and alien possession.
Marlene: But I’ve already heard all those!
Cloud: I see dead people.
Marlene: ...That’s nice. Have a whiskey sour on the house.

Marlene then yelled, "Well your up now so LETS OPEN SOME PRESSIES!" By this time Barret had calmed down, but was still frustrated that half of the day had gone and nothing had been done.

Cloud: Sorry, staying up all night planting bombs really took it out of me.

Marlene ran as fast as her little legs can take her to the elevator and up to the main room. Whilst walking to the elevator Cloud turns to Barret and says, "Lighten up Barret, it is Christmas after all." Barret's teeth clenched one again and went for a swing on Cloud and CRASH! Barret's gun arm completely misses Cloud and breaks a hole in the wall.

Aeris: You do know you’re not supposed to throw the gun at him?


Vincent: Are we British in this story?
Reeve: Righto, let’s all have a cuppa round the telly and watch the Queen wave. Fish ’n’ chips.

"BARRET!" A sudden scream comes from downstairs...

Barret: Shit! What?! Shinra? Sephiroth?

"Get up here right now and watch Marlene open her presents." It was Tifa, she had been cooking the Christmas dinner and needed to get the presents opened as soon as possible.

Tifa: We forgot to cut air-holes in the puppy’s box.

Barret took his arm out of the wall and followed Cloud up the elevator. Whilst going up Cloud says to Barret, "Don't waste your energy now we will need it to fight our way to Sephiroth." A silent pause and then "Yeah I know, I know lets just not think about him for today."

Sephiroth: (dejected)

As they get to the main room Tifa gets up from off the floor next to Marlene and struts over to Barret and says in a stern voice, "What was that crash down there? I told you to stop hitting those walls we just haven't the money to keep fixing them. That's the third time this week and it's just getting out of hand."

Tifa: And who replaced the nativity scene with action figures?
Cloud: Spider-man and GI Joe could have been at the birth of Christ.
Tifa: But you replaced the baby Jesus with a Pikachu!
Aeris: What’s a little holiday sacrilege among friends.
Vincent: …...! (Yuletide aneurysm)

Barret says nothing, just stands there looking helplessly at Tifa. His eyes widen. Tifa looks right at him and says forcefully, "don't give me those puppy dog eyes, this isn't going to get you out of it this time. You will have to find some job to do to repay for it, otherwise your out."

Barret: You’re gonna throw me out of my own goddamn hideout?

Cloud rudely butts in and says "Well now that's that, lets get Christmas started."

They all sat down around the Christmas tree and start finding which presents go to whom. Marlene jumped on Barret and said "Daddy." Barret replied "Yes Marlene." "Are Jessie, Biggs and Wedge coming round today?. Barret looks over to Tifa and asked, "Did you invite the team over?" She then replied, "Yes, they will be coming round for Christmas dinner." Marlene looked to Barret and shouted with excitement "Yippee, I can't wait."

Marlene: I don’t say “Yippee.”
Cid: Does anyone actually say “Yippee”?

Biggs, Wedge and Jessie had been friends with them for a long time. They are all part of the group Avalanche to stop the Shinra to take over Midgar. They constantly go to Seventh Heaven as they know Tifa will cook food for them whenever they need it.

Barret: Maybe we could afford to fix a fc& wall once in awhile, if you’d quit feeding those freeloading bastards.

Cloud picks up a present from under the tree and hands it over to Marlene. "Here ya' go Marlene, this is from your good pal Cloud."

Cloud: Who is me.

Marlene's eyes widen with amazement. "WOW THANKS CLOUD!"

Marlene: Wow, a box! A whole box all my very own!
Vincent: You seem a bit young to be that sarcastic.

She quickly unwraps the present, not even bothering to look at the card that was given. She finally finishes unwrapping the whole thing and her mouth just drops to the floor. She just stares at the gift. Moments pass and nothing is said then Cloud asks Marlene, "Do you know what it is?" She just shakes her head and keeps staring at this miracular item.

Vincent: That is not a word.

"It's a pair of brass knuckles," he told her. "Its for you to use, not just for now but for later in life. When you can fight your way out of trouble".

Barret: Aw, baby’s first melee weapon.
Marlene: I wanted a dollhouse...

Barret looked at Cloud and asked, "Where the hell did you get the money for them? They cost a fortune!" Cloud replied, "Let's just say I know a guy, who knows a guy, who's got a friend, who then has a brother who makes them." There's a few moments of silence and then Tifa answers slowly, "right... anyway let's get on with the rest of the presents."

Tifa: Okay...if Cloud is done lying about the weapon shop two doors down from the bar...

Time passed and mess increased, it brought joy to those who received the gifts. It was the first time Sector 7 had become quite cheery with decorations instead of being in a dull and depressing state as it usually is. Lights Shining up the roads and houses, different decorations everywhere. People laughing and smiling.

Cid: When did you guys move the bar to Whoville?

This day was definatly the best day Sector 7 had seen in a long while. Jessie and Biggs appear from the entrance to Sector 7 all dressed up neatly with gifts in the hands. Biggs starts to sing to himself, "Oh I just want her for my own, more than you could ever know, make my wish come true, baby all I want for Christmas is you..." Jessie turns to Biggs...

Tifa: And punches him, for getting that stupid song stuck in our heads.

...and asks "What are you signing for?" He then replies, "I'm in the Christmas mood, its fantastic." Jessie answers, "Just shut up and let's get to Seventh Heaven."

They arrive at Seventh Heaven and are greeted by Barret. Jessie looks at Barret and asks, "Why are you wearing a bright purple paper hat?" Biggs and Jessie start laughing the moment she finishes. "Just shut up" Barret replied. "Shut up and get the fc& in here."

Barret: I pity the fool who can’t pull off the purple hat.

Both Biggs and Jessie walk into the pub, followed by Barret who quickly removes the Christmas cracker hat.

Cid: *snrk* Barret in a cracker hat...
Barret: Watch it, honky.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS" both Biggs and Jessie yell.

Reeve: Don’t do that!
Tifa: Walk all the way in, set down your presents, wait for everyone to lower their guard, and then start screaming festivities at us?

"Merry Christmas you two" Tifa replies.

Cloud: Happy Hanukah!

"Yeah Merry Christmas both of ya'" Cloud answers.

Aeris: Happy Kwanzaa!

Marlene runs up to them and gives them a big hug and yells "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

Marlene: Happy Ramadan!
Cid: Well, they are a terrorist group.
Tifa: (facepalm) Jesus, Cid...

Marlene then notices that Wedge isn't there. "Umm, Jessie." Jessie answered "yes Marlene what would you like?" Marlene then asks, "Where is Wedge? Isn't he coming" They all sit around the table and then Jessie explains.

Vincent: Did you need some time to think of a cover story?

"Well as we were coming here, we got half way and then Wedge has the sudden erge for ice-cream, we said to him that he could have some when we get here but he said to us that he had seen one back around the corner. So we told him that we would meet him here, he shouldn't be too long." Then there was a banging at the door, and it just swung open. "WEDGE!" Marlene shouted, "you're here, MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

Cid: Happy Mithras Day!

This huge beast of a man, came waddling in, covered in chocolate ice-cream. "Merry Christmas everybody" he mumbled while still having a wafer crunching away in his mouth. "Wedge for fc& sake, what the hell you comin' here for lookin' like that. Get cleaned up you messy s£t." Barret told him.

Yuffie: I feel like we’ve come a long way for a fat joke.

"What is it, pick on the Wedge day or somet'. Geese give me a break."

All: …...What?
Reeve: Geese...somet...”the Wedge”...what?
Vincent: I missed thirty years of slang, was that supposed to make sense?
Aeris: It kind of goes past normal levels of nonsense and comes back around to a sublime level of insane.
Cloud: Geese??

Wedge waddled into the bathroom whilst everyone else sat around the table.

A breeze of warm air came from the kitchen, carrying with it the most sensational smell in the entire world. Tifa brought over the food one by one, and then brought the big turkey. Everyone on the table mouth's dropped and eyes opened wide. Silence was among the table, no one said a word, only stared at the delicious golden turkey floating across the table and then...

Reeve: No, wait, stop. Back up. The turkey is floating. We need to address this.

...placed at the top right next to Barret. The only words that came out of Barret's mouth as the turkey was placed were "Wow.."

Aerith: Wow...a floating turkey!

Everyone was stunned by how delicious all this food looked...

Sephiroth: And how it was floating eight inches above the table.

...and couldn't wait to dig in. Tifa then sat onto her chair and said to everyone, "lets all listen to Cloud say the prayer this year." They all bowed there heads....

Vincent: As opposed to “here” heads.
Marlene: Here a head, there a head, everywhere a head head...

...and waited for Cloud to say a prayer. "Uhh, ummm,"

Cloud: ...Line?
Cid: Who do we even pray to in this universe? I know Vince is kinda Catholic, but the rest of us are pretty much heathens.

...he was stunned, didn't know what to say as he had never done anything like this before. "Come on Cloud" said Barret, "We ain't got all day ya' know." Cloud replied "Okay" and took a deep breathe and said the prayer, "Our father thank you for this...

Cid: Floating turkey.

...delicious food we have been given, and we hope you enjoy watching us eat it as much as we enjoy eating.

Cloud: Dear Jenova, thank you for this levitating entree...please do not possess it or give it tentacles while we eat...bless this hover-turkey and the mashed potatoes, and please don’t make me eat the lima beans. Protect this house from bad Christmas Carol parodies, amen.

Amen." Everyone repeats "Amen," and then dives in for the food, no words are spoken just grabbing and eating of all the food on the table. There was never a single word spoken as no one could with all the food they were chewing and swallowing. Until all the food was gone.

One by one they went down the elevator to go and relax on the sofas and watch the big screen television. Everyone full up to the top of their stomach, no one can take any more food.

Yuffie: They were forced to eat the floating turkey down to the bone, to keep it from flying after them while they slept.
Vincent: Tonight, they will be haunted by the Ghost of Christmas Turkey.

Barret sat down on his big armchair and said to everyone, "It's bin a wonderful Christmas, and I'm glad I spent it will you guys, but you can know get the fc& out of my pub." Everyone laughed apart from one which was Wedge as he was asleep on top of the pinball machine.

Barret: You assholes think I’m kidding? Get the fc& out of my house! (starts firing into the air)

Cloud said to Barret, "Switch it over to the news, see what other places are celebrating like." Tifa also says, "oh ye, and there's that competition on which sector is decorated the best." Barret reached for the remote and said...

Cid: Fc& that Martha Stewart s$, we’re watchin’ Die Hard.

"Okay, okay hold your horses."

Marlene: What are horses?

He switched over to the news and everyone looked at the television. "Breaking News, some black caped man has just brutally attacked sector 6 leaving only one alive."

Sephiroth: It’s not a cape. I know that’s Square’s canon translation, but I don’t wear a black cape. I’m not Superboy Prime.

"What the fc&" Barret says confused.

Barret: That a$h&, he just killed all the people I was gonna blow up tomorrow!
Sephiroth: First come first serve. Not my fault you took Christmas off.
Cloud: I told you we should have invited him to dinner. He could have carved the floating turkey.

"The eye witness has this to say. He terrorised sector 6, destroying anything in his way. He brutally murdered innocent families.

Aeris: They’re not innocent, this is sector 6 we’re talking about.

He's after something but I don't know what. He won't stop until he gets what he wants.

Sephiroth: I must stop this Christmas from coming! But how...

As you can see ladies and gentlemen this is an urgent News Break, stay in your homes and Shinra will do everything it can to find this monster and take him out."

Yuffie: Yes, stay in your homes, like all the people who were just murdered in theirs.

The room falls silent, all of them amazed of what has happened. Cloud stands and says "It's Sephiroth, I won't let him do this, I must go and kill him." Barret replies "Well you're not going without avalanche. Let's move out men, we have a monster to kill.

Cloud: Right -- let’s mosey.
Barret: Goddamn it, spike-head...

Rufus: On the twelfth day of Christmas, Square Enix gave to me...
Barret: Twelve giant weapons
Aerith: Eleven bad translations
Tifa: Ten lengthy cutscenes
Vincent: Nine hellish monsters
Yuffie: Eight pointless sidequests
Cid: Seven badass bosses
Reeve: Six mako reactors
All: Five tragic pasts!
RedXIII: Four limit breaks
Sephiroth: Three Remnants
Cloud: Two chocobos
All: And a giant monster house that shoots grenades!

Cloud: Happy Life Day, everyone.
All: (pelt Cloud with snowballs for referencing Star Wars Christmas)
Cloud: Agh! Hey! Fuck! How the hell did you guys even get snowballs in here?

                                                                     Reffie's Sincerest Apologies ---------------->

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